Celebrities against Supermarkets

British supermarkets are said to be losing millions in sales following a raft of high profile celebrity shoplifting incidents. It is belived that scores of Britain’s best loved entertainers, actors and television personalities are systematically looting Britain’s best loved supermarkets. “It is a disgrance’”, said a retail analyst from Hoss Securities. “these supermarkets do their best to flood England’s kitchens with cheap, toxic foods high in salts, lethal fats, sugars and other carcinogens.” Recent figures that showed dire sales at Tesco’s UK chain spooked the City where investors dumped Tesco shares and  put their money into UK companies manufacturing sniper rifles and anti-personnel bombs that are sold to Middle East countries where these weapons are used against pro-democracy protesters. Analysts noted that last year’s Tesco initiative the ‘Big Price Drop’ may have failed because consumers felt the phrase ‘Big Price Drop’ sounded like ‘Big Piss Dump’ and the associations with urine and faeces may have put them off buyng Tesco’s branded food products. “Which would be surprising,” said Hoss. Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke said he had plans to cut back the rate of store openings in the UK even though consumers have noted that it is impossible to walk more than 100 metres in any direction in England without seeing a Tesco’s superstore or the company’s familiar and homely logo. Retail analysts at Hoss Securities Ltd noted that many supermarket chains, including Tesco, had a disappointing Christmas whilst other sectors, including the neo-nazi figurine industry were booming. “People should be aware that the word Tesco’s means carcinogenic slave nazi in several little known African dialects said Martin Heydrich-Cameron, from leading retail analyst Hoss Securities. “